The story of a guy tapering off (developing)...

How to stop Suboxone? How long should I be on buprenorphine? Is Suboxone withdrawal bad? How do I detox?
User avatar
Bentakessubs
Power Poster
Power Poster
Posts: 84
Joined: Sun May 06, 2018 10:04 pm

The story of a guy tapering off (developing)...

Post by Bentakessubs » Mon Jan 06, 2020 6:45 am

Edit: After I made this post, I decided to post a comment every day with the status of my taper and how I’m feeling. So feel free to read the comments for my updates. I’ll keep posting until I’m completely off of suboxone and probably for 10 or 12 days after I’m done. Day 1 below:

It’s been a while since I posted this. I’m on day 10 of the taper today. I started at 16mg. I’m off work for the next 7 days and I just got down to 2mg. Trying to get through the acute shit while I’m off of work so loweered from 4mg to 2mg a little early. It’s actually not as bad as I thought it would be. I stopped taking trazadone for sleep so I haven’t been sleeping great. I get chills sometimes but nothing huge. I actually have been up and about a lot more than I thought I would be. I’m going to stay on 2mg for 8 days, then go down to 1.5mg, then 1mg, then .5mg. I feel so much better than I thought I would, considering I’ve gone from 12 to 2mg in 10 days. A slow taper just wouldn’t work for me. I haven’t used narcotics or drank to yet high in a long long time so I feel completely safe from a relapse. I don’t know exactly what happened, something just clicked on me and I just wasn’t scared of the withdrawal anymore. I finally feel ready. Just sharing on here because I can’t really talk to many people in my everyday life about this so it’s nice to vent some of it. Below is the taper I’ve done so far.

Edit: I really feel good on 2mg today and I’m off of work for a week. Would it be a huge jump to go down further just to get through the worse parts of it?

If anyone knows any herbal teas or natural supplements that will help me during the process let me know. Thanks!

Day 1 - 12/28: 8mg
Day 2 - 12/29: 8mg
Day 3 - 12/30: 8mg
Day 4 - 12/31: 8mg
Day 5 - 01/01: 8mg
Day 6 - 01/02: 4mg
Day 7 - 01/03: 4mg
Day 8 - 01/04: 4mg
Day 9 - 01/05: 4mg
Day 10 - 01/06: 2mg
Last edited by Bentakessubs on Sun Jan 12, 2020 10:19 am, edited 2 times in total.

User avatar
Bentakessubs
Power Poster
Power Poster
Posts: 84
Joined: Sun May 06, 2018 10:04 pm

Re: Finally getting off

Post by Bentakessubs » Tue Jan 07, 2020 1:32 pm

Day 11 - 2mg

So I’m on day 11 now. Last night SUCKED. I woke up at 3am with restless legs and couldn’t get back to sleep. I’m STILL having to take 4 doses of miralax every day. Still waiting for the constipation side effect to wear down a little. Dealing with other medical issues in addition to this that are making this harder. I know I should be working out, but it’s difficult to do anything other than watch tv right now. Which I know isn’t helpful. I’m going to see my therapist for the first time today, so maybe she’ll be able to help me with some tips.

User avatar
wannaBdrugfree
One Month or More
One Month or More
Posts: 31
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 2:44 pm
Location: Milwaukee,WI

Re: Finally getting off

Post by wannaBdrugfree » Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:17 pm

It has been recommended to adapt the slow approach,it looks like you have been on suboxone for over 7 years. It makes no sense to hurry yourself off this med,please consider taking your time here. You can reduce the withdrawal to almost zero,but not at the rate you have decided on.Good luck and I hope you achieve your goal.

User avatar
Bentakessubs
Power Poster
Power Poster
Posts: 84
Joined: Sun May 06, 2018 10:04 pm

Re: Finally getting off

Post by Bentakessubs » Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:25 pm

wannaBdrugfree wrote:
Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:17 pm
It has been recommended to adapt the slow approach,it looks like you have been on suboxone for over 7 years. It makes no sense to hurry yourself off this med,please consider taking your time here. You can reduce the withdrawal to almost zero,but not at the rate you have decided on.Good luck and I hope you achieve your goal.
I’ve been on it for 7 years. I’ve tried the slow taper before. Never made it more than 5 days. I’ve made it further than I ever had before doing it this way. Once my body adjusts to 2 mg I’m going to stay on it for about 10 days, then go down to 1.5, then 1, then .5, then go off of it.

User avatar
Bentakessubs
Power Poster
Power Poster
Posts: 84
Joined: Sun May 06, 2018 10:04 pm

Re: Finally getting off

Post by Bentakessubs » Wed Jan 08, 2020 5:35 am

Day 12 - 2mg

Last night was still rough, but a lot better than the night before. I forced myself not to nap yesterday so I would be more tired at night. Also, my doctor gave me some medicine to help with restless legs. I forget what it’s called but it’s a high blood pressure med. too tired right now to walk to another room and look at the bottle.

Anyway. It’s so weird. It comes in phases. I’ll feel fine. Then I’ll feel awful. If I don’t stick to my meal plan, I’ll feel REALLY awful. Going to finally try to go to the gym today, see if that helps my sleep.

As tired as I am. As worn out as I am. As shitty as I feel. I still haven’t broken my taper plan. And it’s been sitting in my bathroom, all of my suboxone. I’m determined to be a success story. I won’t fail. No matter what. I’m posting every day on this thread because I’m off work and some form of consistency is helping me feel productive. Also, months from now, when I change my user name to “BensOffSubs”, maybe this story will help someone else that is trying to get off.

💚 - B

User avatar
rule62
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 2708
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 10:35 pm
Location: Southwest

Re: Finally getting off

Post by rule62 » Wed Jan 08, 2020 10:23 pm

We wish you well. You know your body and mind best. We here will always recommend a very slow taper, especially at the end. That's where it gets tricky. Slow and steady wins this one. Either way, we hope your method is a smashing success!
Don't take yourself so damn seriously

User avatar
Bentakessubs
Power Poster
Power Poster
Posts: 84
Joined: Sun May 06, 2018 10:04 pm

Re: Finally getting off

Post by Bentakessubs » Thu Jan 09, 2020 7:13 am

Day 13 - 2mg

Slow and steady. Every night, I feel like maybe I’ll just stop taking it tomorrow. But then every morning, I feel bad and decide to just stick with the plan and take it slow. I’m still having to take 4 doses of miralax every day and 1 dose of metamucil, which is kind of perplexing. I would assume the constipation would fade a little as my dose lowers, but it isn’t. Maybe it’s just taking a long time to get out of my system. Anyway, the taper calculator I used online called for a 55 day tapering plan. So I’m just going to stick with that for now.

I’m still not sleeping well, but it gets a little better every night. I’m having other medical issues on top of all of this. They found some kind of stones in my testicles when they did an ultrasound yesterday and for some reason I’m having horrible left arm pain. With all of this going on, it’s just super difficult some days. But I’m maintaining my resolve. Sticking to the plan and trusting that my body will adjust to the lower dose over time. More tomorrow. Thanks for the advice on taking it slow, I will definitely heed that.

User avatar
Bentakessubs
Power Poster
Power Poster
Posts: 84
Joined: Sun May 06, 2018 10:04 pm

Re: Finally getting off

Post by Bentakessubs » Fri Jan 10, 2020 11:43 am

Day 14 - 2mg

First day I’ve actually felt decent. I still woke up around 4:30am this morning. But that’s okay, I actually am functioning really well with 6 hours of sleep, which normally I would need 8 or 9 because suboxone makes me so tired. I’m super psyched that my body has adjusted to the lower dose. I’ll have 3 more days on 2 mg, then I’m going down to 1.5 mg. I’m going to put about 7 or 8 days between each downgrade, then see how I tolerate it. It’s insane. I feel awake. And good. I’m still having to take the same amount of miralax and Metamucil. Idk when that’s supposed to stop. Maybe in the next 10 days? I know suboxone has a really long half life.

More tomorrow. Just happy to finally see the progress that’s come out of all the pain in the last week.

💚 - B

User avatar
Bentakessubs
Power Poster
Power Poster
Posts: 84
Joined: Sun May 06, 2018 10:04 pm

Re: Finally getting off

Post by Bentakessubs » Sat Jan 11, 2020 7:12 am

Day 15 - 2mg

Still hard sleeping. I have to go back to work in 2 days, so I’m hoping it improves at least a little in the next couple days. I’m in this viscious cycle of going to sleep at 9pm and waking up at 4am. Doesn’t sound that bad, but I’m yawning by 7pm every night. And I work from 11am to 8pm, so it’s going to throw my schedule off. I think it’s not helping that I take my meds every morning when I wake up at 4am. So now at that time, my body is like “wake up man! Time to take your meds”. Maybe starting tomorrow, I’ll wait until 7pm to take my meds regardless of what time I wake up.

The restless legs are still a thing. I’m still dealing with some medical stuff. I’m going down to 1.5 mg in 3 days. Then I’ll be staying on that for 8 days.

Overall, I’m staying positive. I’m going to start doing some yoga today and maybe try out some cardio too. I’m also on a meal plan, which helps SO much to be properly energized by the food I’m eating. It can make or break the difference in how I’m feeling in any given day.

More tomorrow.

💚 - B

User avatar
Bentakessubs
Power Poster
Power Poster
Posts: 84
Joined: Sun May 06, 2018 10:04 pm

Re: Finally getting off

Post by Bentakessubs » Sun Jan 12, 2020 9:57 am

Day 16 - 2mg

Sleeping better and better every night. Made it till 5am before waking up this morning. Taking 2mg tomorrow, then going down to 1.5 mg the day after and staying on that for 7 days. Breaking up the 8mg strips into .5 mg pieces is annoying. But I used an exacto knife and broke up the next 14 days worth of my taper and stored them in wax paper, just to be prepared and save myself some time. More tomorrow.

💚 - B

User avatar
Bentakessubs
Power Poster
Power Poster
Posts: 84
Joined: Sun May 06, 2018 10:04 pm

Re: The story of a guy tapering off (developing)...

Post by Bentakessubs » Mon Jan 13, 2020 9:30 am

Day 17 - 1.5mg

Man. I slept HORRIBLY last night. I didn’t take that high blood pressure medication and instead took melatonin. My wife told me my legs were jerking around a lot when I was asleep. I woke up every 2 hours and today is my first day back at work. I don’t really feel a ton of withdrawal. I just didn’t eat well yesterday. Too much sugar and junk food. That REALLY affects me when I go off my meal plan. So this morning, I ate my meal plan breakfast and I went to the gym for the first time in weeks. I didn’t do anything too intense, just 45 minutes of walking on the treadmill.

I work 11-8 today, so I’m hoping I hang in there. I’m not bringing any extra suboxone with me to work. Sticking with my guns. Hoping that I feel better as the day progresses. More tomorrow.

💚 - B

User avatar
Bentakessubs
Power Poster
Power Poster
Posts: 84
Joined: Sun May 06, 2018 10:04 pm

Re: The story of a guy tapering off (developing)...

Post by Bentakessubs » Tue Jan 14, 2020 7:13 am

Day 18 - 2mg

I’m at the end of my rope today. I was so tired yesterday. I barely made it through work. I thought for sure that I would pass the eff out when I got home last nights. But I was restless again. I woke up at 3am again, went to bed around 9 and was up and down every hour and finally gave up at 3 and woke up for good. I went down to 1.5 yesterday and then took 2 today because I felt so bad this morning and I have to work. So frustrated with myself. I want to push this taper through to the end, but I can’t keep missing work. I just took a week off last week. So I have to slow it down. So frustrating. I want to stop feeling this way. My arms and legs and chest feel this weird restless energy sensation. Cold sweats are mild. Depression is a thing. I’ve cried more in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 2 years. Movies. Music. Anything slightly sad will rip me into depression. Staying at 2mg today. Hoping that I can get some sleep tonight. More tomorrow.

💚 - B

IVHADIT
Average Poster
Average Poster
Posts: 7
Joined: Sun Nov 06, 2011 1:35 pm

Re: The story of a guy tapering off (developing)...

Post by IVHADIT » Tue Jan 14, 2020 7:44 am

Not to slow you down but if you need to function and work, you need to slow the taper down and allow your body time to adjust. Every situation is different , everyone has different circumstances, this is not a one size fits all kind of thing. I don’t know if this is an option for you, but maybe consult a Doctor for Anti Depressants, just a short term thing in order to smooth things out during your process, Good Luck, DONT lose hope..

User avatar
Bentakessubs
Power Poster
Power Poster
Posts: 84
Joined: Sun May 06, 2018 10:04 pm

Re: The story of a guy tapering off (developing)...

Post by Bentakessubs » Tue Jan 14, 2020 1:03 pm

IVHADIT wrote:
Tue Jan 14, 2020 7:44 am
Not to slow you down but if you need to function and work, you need to slow the taper down and allow your body time to adjust. Every situation is different , everyone has different circumstances, this is not a one size fits all kind of thing. I don’t know if this is an option for you, but maybe consult a Doctor for Anti Depressants, just a short term thing in order to smooth things out during your process, Good Luck, DONT lose hope..
Yeah I know that you’re right. I always think I can rush through it and just persevere. But it’s not possible when I’m supposed to be working. If I’m going through severe wd at work, I snap on people. Sigh. Slowing down a bit.

User avatar
Bentakessubs
Power Poster
Power Poster
Posts: 84
Joined: Sun May 06, 2018 10:04 pm

Re: The story of a guy tapering off (developing)...

Post by Bentakessubs » Wed Jan 15, 2020 7:07 am

Day 19 - 1.5mg

I FINALLY slept last night and I feel so much better today. Like, I don’t really feel any withdrawal at all this morning. Maybe a little, but nothing horrible. So I’m down to 1.5 for the next 5-7 days. God, it’s so nice to finally feel decent. More tomorrow.

💚 - B

User avatar
Bentakessubs
Power Poster
Power Poster
Posts: 84
Joined: Sun May 06, 2018 10:04 pm

Re: The story of a guy tapering off (developing)...

Post by Bentakessubs » Thu Jan 16, 2020 5:43 am

Day 20: 1.5mg

Well, I’m 20 days in. Still sleeping kinda bad. Got about 6.5 hours last night. I don’t really feel all that bad during the day, so that’s good. Got a 3 day weekend coming up, I’ll need to find a way to occupy the time. Definitely getting back into the gym soon.

💚 - B

User avatar
jennjenn
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3081
Joined: Mon Sep 15, 2014 6:15 pm
Location: Tennessee

Re: The story of a guy tapering off (developing)...

Post by jennjenn » Sat Jan 18, 2020 8:53 pm

Hey Ben!

I’m reading every post, just in case you think nobody is, there is. So keep posting.

I know this is important and I know you’re doing good but listen..... if it gets to becoming too much for ya please just slow down a little bit or go bk up just a little bit, whatever works. I like what someone said once on a totally different post, they said there’s no reward in suffering. You’re not getting a trophy for making yourself miserable. You do it however your body is telling you to do it. You’re doing amazing, but if it starts getting to be too much then just slow down. The goal is to get there not getting there faster. If it takes a little longer than you originally wanted then so what, don’t worry about that. You’ll get there, I know you will, but you don’t get extra points for suffering so just remember that is what is important. You’re doing good! We’re pulling for ya all the way!! Good luck!
Jennifer

User avatar
Bentakessubs
Power Poster
Power Poster
Posts: 84
Joined: Sun May 06, 2018 10:04 pm

Re: The story of a guy tapering off (developing)...

Post by Bentakessubs » Sun Jan 19, 2020 8:49 am

Day 21 - 01/17: 1.5mg
Day 22 - 01/18: 1.5mg
Day 23 - 01/19: 1.5mg

Haven’t posted in a few days. The sleep thing really threw me off. I’ve been battling trying to function at work while not sleeping, which has been tough. When I started this taper, I decided that I wanted to try and get off of Trazadone as well, because I wanted to learn how to sleep without the aid of medication. And honestly, if I was in the position to take a few more weeks off of work, I could probably do that. But last night, after not sleeping much for 2 days, I decided to go back on the Trazadone. Withdrawal is a bitch, and insomnia enhances that terrible feeling.

So I took trazadone last night and today I’m feeling so much better. I never went back up. Yesterday, feeling so tired and sleep deprived, was the first day that I thought about going back up. But if I do, I prolong all of the bad things I’ve been going through. So I stayed strong, chilled on the sofa and watched movies all day (btw, if you haven’t seen Parasite yet, watch it. You won’t be disappointed).

I’m supposed to go down to 1mg the day after tomorrow. I’ve been mostly sticking to my meal plan. Eating lots of good foods. Fruits and vegetables, lean protein, healthy whole grains.

I know I should stay away from caffeine. And when I come off completely there will probably be a time when I need to quit caffeine. But for now, I’ve still been drinking coffee and the occasional energy drink in the early AM. Nothing after 3pm, just so I can get to sleep by 10 or 11.

I know I don’t get a trophy for suffering. But pain is progress. All of this suffering isn’t just suffering for the sake of suffering. It’s leading somewhere. And the faster I get through it, the faster I get to be on the other side. I know that’s probably weeks or months away. But it’s a light at the end of the tunnel that gets a little bit bigger every day. Some days, I feel horrible. Everything seems to be falling apart (aside from the suboxone taper, my car and my wife’s car broke down in the last couple week. A doctor found stones in my scrotum. And I’ve had an inexplicable intense pain in my left arm that we’re trying to figure out. When it rains it pours). But other days, I feel good all day. Without the help of suboxone. I just feel normal. And happy. And I talk and laugh and smile and feel energetic. On my own. And those times, however few or far between, are what keep my strength up. Because someday soon, I’ll feel that way most of the time, without needing suboxone. Not all the time. No one feels good all the time, especially as I’m pushing my mid thirties. Aches and pains are a thing. And, for me, it’s important not to confuse those things with withdrawal.

More tomorrow. Thanks for the support and the reply Jen. I really appreciate the fact that someone somewhere is following this.

I’ll never put myself at risk. If the pain becomes too much or too intense, I will go back up. But for now, I’m holding it down.

More tomorrow.

💚 - B

BlueLight
Super-Duper Poster
Super-Duper Poster
Posts: 341
Joined: Wed Jan 09, 2019 2:05 pm

Re: The story of a guy tapering off (developing)...

Post by BlueLight » Sun Jan 19, 2020 11:05 pm

Dropping below 2 mg is hard. I’m coming up on two years clean and down to .75 mg of Suboxone per day. Hope to be off of it by summer. My next step down will be .5 mg one day, .75 mg the next for one month.

User avatar
Bentakessubs
Power Poster
Power Poster
Posts: 84
Joined: Sun May 06, 2018 10:04 pm

Re: The story of a guy tapering off (developing)...

Post by Bentakessubs » Mon Jan 20, 2020 11:25 am

I’m feeling better today. And whenever that happens, it means that it’s about time to taper my dose down again. This fact is confirmed by my tapering calculator, which has me me scheduled to reduce to 1mg tomorrow. It’s so interesting to me how tapering from 12mg to 2mg over the course of 10 days can feel just as bad as tapering from 2mg to 1.5mg over 7 days. This is probably because the medication has such a long half life and I was taking it for so long that it had built up in my system. So as it slowly leaves my system, I have days where I feel worse. And also, days where I’m feeling more awakened than I have in years because I don’t have a depressant in my system. Those moments are the best and most gratifying.

I’ve learned a lot about acceptance, patience, and willpower over the last 24 days. And also over the last year. I have learned to accept the fact that I’m just going to feel bad some days. That does not mean that I have to go back up on my Suboxone dose, it just means that I’ll feel better tomorrow. And that I need to accept how I am currently feeling and be patient. Patience is key, and it inevitably leads to a powerful exercise in willpower (a trait that drug addicts and alcoholics are tragically lacking in). Over the last 24 days, the willpower to accept how I’m feeling, not take more Suboxone, and wait it out has bled into other areas of my life in an incredible way.

I am, just like every other addict on the planet, a compulsive and impulsive person. Impulsivity is defined as “actions that are poorly conceived, prematurely expressed, unduly risky, or inappropriate to the situation and that often result in undesirable outcomes,”. Wow, talk about hitting the proverbial nail on the head. This is a perfect description of how I behave with drugs, alcohol, money, and pretty much any other thing that makes me feel good or changes my current state of mind in a seemingly positive way. I don’t like how I’m feeling, so I do something to change it without considering the potential consequences.

I am also, just like every other drug addict, a compulsive person. Compulsivity can be defined as “a tendency to repeat the same, often purposeless acts, which are sometimes associated with undesirable consequences”. So, where my impulsivity covers the nature of my inappropriate responses to stressful situations, the compulsivity reflects the repetitive nature of said actions. There is also an obsession worked in there, particularly with opiates for me. But if opiates are taken away, I will abuse any other thing that can make me feel good.

Suboxone, by nature, does not treat the obsessive-compulsive nature of my addiction. It just stops me from injecting heroin. And, when I first moved to Iowa and got sober, I needed to stop injecting heroin above all else. I had just come from living on the streets and was in no mental or physical state to deal with the obsessive-compulsive nature of my mental illness. So Suboxone got heroin out of the picture and allowed me to center myself over the course of many years. But that alone was not enough to treat my addiction. Over the course of those years, I stayed away from mind altering substances, but my obsessive-compulsive mental illness still bled into other areas of my life. I racked up credit card and student loan debt so I could buy a lot of useless shit that was later thrown away. I gained 70 pounds from overeating anything that made me feel good. And every attempt to taper off of Suboxone during this time was a failure, go figure. Because as soon as I started feeling any semblance of withdrawal, I impulsively went back up higher and higher on my Suboxone dose to change my state of mind. I eventually went all the way up to 12mg, which for me is a super high dose.

But something changed over the last year. Scratch that. A few things changed. I saw where my overeating had gotten me: Into a size of jeans that was about 6 inches bigger than I wanted to be. During this time I was moving about as quickly as an elderly sloth with a broken hip. I also saw where my overspending had gotten me: To a place where I have a shitload of debts to pay off. All for the sake of getting that positive brain response when I swiped the credit card and came home with a bag full of brand new stuff. And finally, I saw where my addiction to energy drinks and caffeine had gotten me: To a place where my social anxiety was worse than it had ever been and I couldn’t go into a meeting at work without feeling like I was having a mental breakdown.

I was fed up and completely out of fast and easy answers. I was sick of feeling overweight, tired, stressed, and anxious. Suboxone had kept me off of illicit drugs, but I was just replacing the illicit drugs with other things that were less harmful. So I started working out, eating better, and treating my body like a temple instead of a dumpster. Subsequently, I lost 50 pounds, started saving money and doing a budget, and finally got in a place where I’m semi-stable financially (that part isn’t completely sorted out yet, but it’s on the right track. This exercise will inevitably be about playing the slow and steady game). I laid off the caffeine consumption and started practicing meditation and breathing exercises. I was finally treating the disease (mental illness) and not just the symptoms (my illicit drug use).

All of this may seem like a huge digression, but it circles right back to my so-far-successful tapering off of Suboxone. The mac daddy. The grand puba. The thing that I have tried time and time again over the last 5 or 6 years to get off of. Not going back up on my dose has been the largest practice in willpower that I have done in my entire life. The fact that I have made it 24 days without breaking my tapering plan is unprecedented. I have never made it more than 3 or 4 days before without going back up. And I now find myself having urges to go shopping, to eat bad shit, to drink a ton of caffeine, just to fill the void. But because of the legwork that I did for years before this taper and because I have successfully made it 24 days without succumbing to the urge to take more Suboxone, I find myself on stronger ground than I have ever been. I feel like I’ve finally made it. I’m not cutting corners. I’m not taking shortcuts. I’m going straight through my problems like a locomotive plowing through a brick wall. And this train isn’t stopping until it’s reached it’s destination: life without Suboxone.

I guess the summation of todays post, for anyone that it reading this and thinking about getting off of Suboxone, is to ask yourself how you’re treating your disease. Have you built healthy habits? Or have you just found new unhealthy habits to replace the old ones? I know Suboxone is a really controversial treatment for opioid dependance. Many doctors will say it just replaces one opiate addiction with another. My response to that is: It can be bad. But it can also be good. It’s a tool for recovery, just like every other tool for recovery. A screwdriver can be used to repair something. It can also be used to stab somebody in the neck. 12-step meetings can be a great thing. They can also be a place to meet people that will later get drugs for you. I could say that 12-step meetings are bad just because I’ve abused them in the past. But that wouldn’t be true, it just means that it wasn’t the style of recovery I needed at the time. People aren’t all the same. One-size-fits-all is great for hats. Not so much for recovery. Everyone is different and some people need Suboxone to stay off of drugs. Again, it’s a tool. And it’s really up to the addict to decide how that tool will be used.

If Suboxone is used in the proper and constructive way and under the close eye of a good doctor, it can be incredibly effective. It was for me, and I will always be grateful to Suboxone for that. But if it’s used just to get an opiate addict through the times when they’re feeling dope-sick just so they can use again in 2 weeks, then it’s not going to work as a tool of recovery. (Side-note: I’ve been in that place before a few times). Suboxone by itself is not enough to treat mental illness. Other work has to be put in. It’s not always a linear process. It’s not always pretty. And it rarely works on the first, second, or third tries. No matter how many times I failed, I always came back to the puzzle and tried to figure it out again. I never lost faith that, no matter how bad things got, I could pick up the pieces and figure out how to put them back together.

So if you’re not feeling ready to get off Suboxone, trust me, I’ve been there. That is completely fine and it probably means that you’re not ready. Don’t ever let anyone force you into thinking that you are ready. Some people will never be ready to get off of Suboxone. And if that stops them from using drugs, then that is just fine. It's better than fine, it's amazing. But if you do have a desire to someday get off of the meds and out from under the weight of that burden, don’t do it without asking yourself some truly difficult questions first. Really ask yourself how you’re treating your obsessiveness, your compulsivity, and your impulsivity. And make little changes, one at a time. Some days it will be painful, and that’s good. As with every other muscle in your body, growth for the brain is painful. But it is through that pain that real and beautiful change happens. And, as drug addicts that have recovered, we become mentally stronger than most people will ever be in their entire lives. We accomplish things that others will never have the mental fortitude to accomplish. Because, if we can get through this battle and win it, we will be incredibly strong. Like, Superman had a baby with Wonder Woman strong, mentally speaking.

Today, I’m grateful for the times where I feel terrible. Truly terrible. For the struggle, for the pain, and for the challenges. On those days, I’m staring at my addictive nature dead in the eyes as it throws down the gauntlet and says to me “I’m going to make you feel like shit over the next few months. The odds are against you. And you’re going to buckle”. On those days, I don’t flinch. I don’t blink or bat an eye. I just stare right back at the beast and reply with four short words:

“Bring it on, bitch.”

More tomorrow. Stay strong.

<3 - B

Post Reply