Posting videos from "that" time period...

Did your family contribute to your recovery? Or do you blame your family for your addiction? How does your family feel about methadone? Do they support medication-assisted treatments?
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jonathanm1978
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Posting videos from "that" time period...

Post by jonathanm1978 » Wed Oct 23, 2019 6:30 am

So, I have a bunch of family videos of my kids/family stuff from a time just before I started REALLY eating pills like crazy...and after. And when I say "just before"...I mean I have a couple of videos that are just a day or 2 prior...then the transition of myself (mostly my attitude) beyond that point. I am hesitant to post them.. For now I'm posting a lot of vids to youtube that are unlisted but not private..so anyone I give the link to can view the vids.. Mostly because the videos show (for example) my first son just after he was born...while he was still in the delivery room. There's no video of my wife having him (not willing to post that one)..but he's still covered in the vernix in a couple of videos. After my son was born, he was transported to a NICU unit an hour away, and the burden on my wife and myself was huge.. I resorted to pills, and my excuse then was just a little shot of energy...losing lots of sleep, sleeping on the hospital waiting room floor...other kids we had and such.. I let that be my excuse to get back to pills. At that time I had been completely off any type of opiate for around 3-4 years. But, I let myself drift back to that life, and this time, it was the worst. But, the videos I have show me going from a halfway decent person who looks somewhat healthy..to a complete and utter asshole. I was mean, and not that great to be around. The videos show a part of me that I hate.
So, I'm debating on even posting them, as I don't want that part of my life to be memorialized. Some of them I don't even want to watch, because they are just obviously showing the hateful person that I was.

Wondering what others would do...even though I'm not posting them as unlisted, I guess I'll still keep them locally on my hard drive..but just not upload them at all (unlisted or private either).

I think I have over 600 videos, and luckily, I was usually the one behind the camera doing the recording..but there are a couple where I'm holding one of my kids or something..

This time period was 2005/2006/2007.. so there was more to catching video than just pulling out a cell phone..
So I do feel a little relieved that things weren't as they are now. There's no telling what would've been caught on camera..

Thoughts?
Adam Wayne P.
DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.

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suboxdoc
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Re: Posting videos from "that" time period...

Post by suboxdoc » Wed Oct 23, 2019 8:13 am

I hear you. My using days involved two periods; the early 1990's when my kids were around 5-6 years old (and the vids were all from a big VHS camcorder), and then around 2000 when they were a little older. I HATE looking at them. I love seeing my kids, but I hate hearing my myself in hyper mode, and seeing them react to me. I won't even watch them unless the sound is turned off, but even then, I see how revved up I was, and how revved up they are because of me.

I also hate seeing my grandma in the videos, who passed away during those years, knowing that I wasn't who I wanted to be during her final years.

I'm thankful that in those years nobody recorded as much as they do now.

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jonathanm1978
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Re: Posting videos from "that" time period...

Post by jonathanm1978 » Thu Oct 24, 2019 3:58 pm

My wife and I rarely talk about that time period...but yesterday when she came in from work around 5am, I was up (as I usually am ..normal for me is getting up around 3:30/4:00) and had been busy uploading unlisted videos to youtube, and sending her links at work to watch..
So when she got home, we talked for a few and during that conversation I mentioned that 'time period'...and how I was a good bit hesitant to post some of the videos because I was an utter asshole. And she was unhappy too..and it's there..you can tell in the videos that something was off. The atmosphere was all wrong...

And later on yesterday...my dad called me up. I know that sounds pretty casual and uneventful, but my dad and I have a strained relationship...after my brother died, he sorta pushed people away - and even more-so after the stroke.. but we were talking about a couple of the video links I sent to him, during a time when we were pretty dang close. We used to spend weeks at his house and I had some of the best times with him...but then it just stopped. and I understand that..
But during our talk about the videos that I sent him, I came right out and said "I am not fond of posting some of the videos because I really don't like the person I was back then"..

When I told him that, he said some words that I have rarely heard from him in the past 7 years or so... "I'm glad you recognize that and I'm proud of you for it"..

It carries a lot of weight coming from him, because I've tried so hard to make him want to be a part of my life...until I realized you can't make someone do something if they don't want to.

I honestly don't like me back then. If I was someone watching me years ago, I'd whip my ass really good and make myself apologize for being a TOTAL dick all the time, especially if I ran out of pills.
But, this is why we're all here, right? We are making better the things we did, and trying to right the ship... I hope that my kids don't hold it against me for the person I was then...
Adam Wayne P.
DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.

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Amy-Work In Progress
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Re: Posting videos from "that" time period...

Post by Amy-Work In Progress » Sat Oct 26, 2019 10:47 am

Your kids are going to choose to remember the times when you were available and stable and kind. Plus they were a lot younger when you were using and won't have as many memories from when they were little. That's not to say that they don't have any bad memories of you, but as long as you're being a good dad in the present, that's what will be on their minds most of the time. Especially if you are willing to be open with then about that time period.

I don't have videos of me during active addiction. I am the one taking the videos back then and now. I do wonder what I would look like back then.

Amy
Done is better than perfect!

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