The black sheep=a lonely child=a confused teenager=an addict

[Romeo]

Hey Amber,

I'm glad you brought up the thing about having trouble hugging people, I do that too, but......not that I wasn't aware of it, but I had got so frickin' used to it that it became normal to me.....I don't know? I'm not explaining it very well?? I'm aware of it, but I didn't want to address it, I guess?? I looking forward to hugging my daughter everyday, but when my wife wants to give me a hug or if another family member wants to give me a hug, I want to tell them to fuck off and leave me alone? BUT, when I go to my NA meetings, I hug anyone and everyone?? Gah....WTF is wrong with me??!!!???!?!?!?!

Yay, another topic for me and my counselor to address, just what I wanted.

I used to not be a crier too, but when I got off of Suboxone, Holy Smokes, it's like the flood gates opened up and WON'T close again!! I watched that movie Soul Surfer this weekend and I could barely take it. First the lump in your throat, then your breathing changes, then......you grit your teeth real hard and make a mean face to keep yourself from bawling!! Yeah, there was a lot of clenching my teeth and mean faces during that movie!!

I like the "shit tornado" reference....I've been in a couple of those too....they SUCK!! Emotional vomit is a good one too!! Dang, you're just full of colorful analogies, you really do ROCK!!!

Keep working that recovery of yours, it's hard work admitting just how screwy we are, but it feels good at the same time. Oh Yeah, and keep that sense of humor intact, I think a sense of humor is important to learning how to live life on life's terms and you certainly seem to have a good sense of humor.

[amber4.14.11]

Yes Romeo,,,
My humor maybe the only reason Im still on the planet......lol...... I can talk my way outta anything,,, just about.
LOL
my boss says I need my own comedy show.....whenever I get a cabinet or countertop done at work I say
"not bad for an x junkie"
he laughs.
Im definitely a fan of 'personal space'
I dont like anyone in my 'circle' of about 2' around me......lol

Never been a hugger, or a crier. but I explained that already. the therapist says it'll come with time.
It is however, so strange to me, how you say too,,,, that its so easy to be affectionate to your kids. it is for me too, though I did have to kind of make an effort at first, now my son is VERY affectionate, and I just cant say no when he drags his blanket across the room and tells me 'i wanna get cozy with mommy' thats my favorite part of the day!!!!
Im gonna have a week off between xmas and new years, and I havent had more than 4 days off in a row since may. so that Im def looking forward to.

Its comforting to know, im not alone with the whole not being affectionate thing..... and I never did admitt it untill I quit all the drugs, maybe I didnt notice.
and I got blessed with the 'super sensitive kid' and i love him for that too, but I think I'll get 'schooled' in being more sensitive as he grows........lol

Your pretty funny too,,,,, Im a firm believer in laughter being the best medicine. truth is the last 2 yrs or so of active addiction my husband says I didnt hardly laugh or smile at all, so its really cool to have myself back.
I do have 'grumpy ' days as I call them now,, but there not too often, and aparently Im so much of a smart ass on THOSE days that only the people closest to me know im grumpy....

anyways,,,, YOU ROCK too romeo,
Keep up the good work bro!!!!!!!!!

[amber4.14.11]

So Ive been working pretty steady since going on sub ,,, I was only a couple weeks in when I got the job I have now, and I havent had more than a four day weekend off since.
and I work late ALOT, go in early, etc. becuase my husband isn't working rite now, and im trying to do whatever I can to support us.
anyway, our shop is closing the week between christmas and new years. of course it's not paid time off or anything, that'd be too easy rite?? lol

Im super excited to spend time with my lil guy of course. but part of me is like,,,,, wait.....
you better make sure you stay busy!! its just this kind of shit that gets me thinking of using........ like the time off from work, I could hide like I used to, and use and nobody'd be the wiser, right????
Just sayin........
so Im gonna put a stop to that thinking before it goes any further,,,, I already made two appointments with my addiction therapist for that week and told her why.
I know, great step right????

On the other hand,,, maybe we could go look at new places to live!!!!
I gotta get outa this POS apartment,,,, like yesterday....
Ive lived in the same place 6 years,,,,, yes in the "hayday" of my using,,, of course becuase it's 'ghetto fabulous' and there so many freaking drugs around,,, i USED TO LOVE it, I knew everyone in the complex that got pain pills......
of course the last 8 months, i WORK ALOT and keep to myself....... my hubby used to take care of the 'knockers' I called them. the ones that wouldnt quit knocking..... yea I dont have to tell ya what they wanted....... lol

anyways,,,,,, its time to get the fuck outta dodge.
I really cant take it anymore.
I just feel like I deserve better now. I work so sos so freaking hard,, and im doing everything righ nowadays.
I dont want a manchon (cant even spell it!) I just want a NON ghetto fab place...
my kid deserves better too.
so maybe thats what I'll do.

Just had to get that off my chest. I know burrying the feelings is NOT how to deal with'm.
lol

[amber4.14.11]

every once in awhile, I have a day of 'flashes'
by flashes I mean, sort of pictures, stillshots, in my head, of past events, or memories, or whatever.

I can feel the feelings from that day, I can even hear the TV or the radio in the background...... I know, wierd

They aren't always bad, sometimes, I see my grandpa smiling standing on the front deck of his house, ready to greet me as I pull in the driveway.

Other times, Im alone in the dark locked in the closet,,,, waiting for my mom to come home from work so I can get out.

my therapist says its my brain waking up. I know I wrote about this once already in here, obviously my memory could use some improvement as well,, huh?

anyway,,,, I wish my brain would wake up already and knock this shit off. sometimes if its a bad memory, it takes awhile for me to "get over" which would be normal I guess, if I knew what normal meant.

With christmas getting closer, Im having lots of flashbacks of being a kid, at christmas time. there;s a line in a song from the nineties, I can really relate to,,,,

Some people say money is the root of all thats evil,,,
they have never had the joy of a welfare christmas

and if you HAVE had that joy,,, you know what Im talking about.
I can remember being so freaking happy to get a name brand box of cereal on xmas morning. me and my brother, each got our own box. the rest of the year it was that shit that comes in a bag,and they didn't used to be resealable either.
so it was always stale after the first bowl, and you couldnt have another BAG til the one that was open was all gone.

but I digress
So its amazing to me all this shit I have 'pushed down' .... All these memories, and some of them its absolutely obvious why I chose NOT to think about. But some,,,,, Im not so sure.........

One more thing to add to my notebook for the therapist.
Im very grateful I have broken the 'chain' for my son....

[Romeo]

Hey amber,

I get those flashbacks too. The emotions that accompany them are what troubles me the most. The emotions are so frickin' strong that they stop me in my tracks for a second. I remember my counselor telling me about how I will get to the point where I will remember that crap without re-living that crap. Remembering it and re-living it are worlds apart.

One of the things that helped me to stop re-living those events was finally finding the strength to forgive others and learning how to forgive myself.

Honestly, the good memories/flashbacks are some of my strongest triggers. Those memories come with a sense of euphoria and then I want to go use to keep that euphoria going. Weird, huh?

Anyway, it gets better over time. While on drugs, we never really learn how to deal with crap, we just numb it out. Now, we can learn how to deal with those things and we actually get decent at coping.

One day at a time.

BTW, you said something about making countertops or cabinets.....your boss let's you play with power tools?? Is he not aware that you're a woman and women should not be allowed to touch power tools, that's man's work!! BAH HA HA, I am just kidding!!! OMGoodness, please ladies, I am just teasing!!

[amber4.14.11]

oooooohhhhhh k Romeo..... what a comedian
just for a lil background.....
when I was 19 I poured concrete for almost a year,
hthen I did commercial framing (wood and steel)
then I worked 'residential' type stuff like decks and siding, stairs, etc for about 3 years
that led into a glazing job, nothing but windows, doors, mirrors, fireplaces, safety glass

then I just didn't wana work, cuz it got in the way of 'hooking up' with my favorite drugs, so I started selling instead of working. Im such a genious......lol

anyways, constructions all I know. Ive always been a tomboy. Iknow big surprise, right?

so the first week I was n suboxone, I was at the pharmacy and had a bunch of resume's with me, the pharmacist asked how the sub treatment was going, I said fine except I cant fin d a job ANYwhere!
after talking for a bit, turns out his son owned the door shop, I now work at......

yes, very small town, but it was nice that my boss knew what was up with me as far as replacement therapy, and everything and was pretty supportive. and now Im the best he has........ yea, sad I know.....LOL

I hadnt ever done countertops or any "high end" door finishes untill I started there. but its definitely been a great outlet for me.

So I made it thru christmas well...... It was so awesome to buy my son some gifts, and have money left over. the first christmas I actually bought him gifts for both his birthday and christmas... (his bday is 12/16)

its just so different for me actually having a little bit of money. cuz even when I first startd working, my suboxone took about HALF my pay. and I have given my grandma at least a hundred bucks each and every payday, becuase I stole so much shit from her when I was using, that Im just trying to make it up toher.
So now with me not having to pay for my suboxone, with the RB patient assistance, Ive been able to give her even more money, and Im still 'okay'
by that I mean, we have groceries in the cupboards, and gas in the car. for so long, I didnt have that luxury. iknew exactly how many miles i could drive with the gas light on, all the places I could have a 'tab' for a pack of smokes, and so on.

Im just so thankful of everything i have now, even though someone from the outside looking in may not see very much............

[Breezy_Ann]

What a great attitude! I've moved a few times in the last couple years and it has shown me how pointless stuff is. After this recent move we are broke, like you enough money to keep food in the cupboards, etc. We are perfectly happy, all anyone needs is the love of their family.

You are making up for the past with you're grandma and that is great too. You have taken responsibility for the past and making it right. I think you are doing great. I think a big lesson we all need to learn is to treasure the small stuff in life, it's what will truly make you happy. It sounds like that's exactly what your doing.

[amber4.14.11]

im sure trying to Breezy......
cuz for a long time I concentrated on all the 'crap' I missed out on,,, felt like I missed the 'train' for my life, and it really didnt feel very good. So I was like, you know, theres alot worse cases out there than mine, and I do have alot to be appreciative of........
like having my son, and the fact that my grandma is one of my number 1 supporters is just amazing to me. Ive told her more than once, I dont deserve you
she knows Im doing my best, and I think thats all she wants.

my husband pisses me off sometimes becuase he brings up alot of the shit 'we should have' and I try to remind him, that it could be worse, but he's a 'dreamer' I guess you could say, and thats one of the reasons I fell in love with him so I just put up with it..... try to change the subject.
and I should be happy that he too, has stayed with me thru the most difficult times.
I guess he's 'allowed' his two cents. lol

i was reading this morning, an article where people are putting on twitter, what they DIDNT get for xmas? like I wanted 'blank' and got this shitty gift instead......
I couldnt believe it.....
this is the stuff that shows just how 'commercialized' xmas has gotten to be. how its all about the shopping!! of course I do think little kids need toys,,,, but my mom didnt have much money this year, so she made us 2 huge pans of kickass enchaladas, and froze them. and some homemade divinity.
and the enchaladas is an awesome gift, cuz I can throw it in the oven (or have the hubby do it) and not have a huge meal to cook when I get home from work.
it astonishes me how ungrateful some people are.
I would never,,, write ANYwhere how 'dissapointed' I was with my xmas gifts!!!! I was lucky to have ANY lol

[Breezy_Ann]

No kidding, this I deserve everything attitude is a lot of what's wrong with the world. In my view Christmas is a day for kids and all I ever want for Christmas is to see the excitement and happiness on my kids faces Christmas morning.

I have 4 children, boys 5 & 3 and 14 month old twin girls so as you can imagine we don't get many breaks. For my birthday my mom kept all my kids for a day and a half and just being lazy around the house with my husband was the best gift ever! Last Christmas she gave us a bag w/ king crab legs, wine and munchies. Then she kept the kids on new years eve, we had the most amazing dinner and such a good time. Being a parent definately makes you appreciate the small stuff, or at least that's been my experience.

[amber4.14.11]

OH YES it for sure does......I heard someone say "its the most difficult thankless job, you'll ever love" that about sums it up!!!!!

it makes you thankful for the once a month, the kid (kids for you) sleep an hour later,,, and when you wake up later than normal,,, you wonder if they died!! LOL

Ive really enjoyed this week off from work, I know it will be hard to go back to work monday, but like I said Im trying to take it all in, while I have the chance.
today we painted, and we made macoroni necklaces,,, you know the stuff I dont have time for when I get home from work.

Id really like to have another child some day, but it took 5 years to get pregnant with my son.... my mom had problems getting pregnant as well,, she never used any birth control, she was even on fertility shots once. and she only had me and my brother, we are 7 years apart. So Im just taking it as it comes........and hoping one day I will be blessed with another, but if not thats okay too,, I'll be perfectly happy with the son I do have. It really pisses me off when people act as if thier children are this huge "burden" thats been laid upon them.....
I know being a parent is tough, and your allowed to have 'bad days' but parents should think about all those people out there who would pay thousands or give ANYTHING at a moments notice to be a parent....
You know???

K, im off my 'soap box' LOL
I never used to have opinions about much of ANYthing at all,,, its so funny the moment you start to think clearly, you DO form opinions about things, and passion about others....

HAPPY NEW YEAR by the way!!

[amber4.14.11]

So I have my fourth appointment with my therapist tommorow.
I didnt see her last week, she was outta town fot christmas,
and the week before that I had too many bills, and a small check, couldnt pay the $40 to have the apt.

So its been 3 weeks since we've spoken. But Im doing okay.....
As I wrote before, christmas went well for me, and I think I stressed out for pretty much no reason.

At my last appointment we spoke about fears, my worst being that I dont want my son to ever feel like I did as a teenager. we discussed how I could make sure he doesnt have to go thru the things I did. which helped me alot.
then we talked about how Im terribly scared of the dark. and while we were discussing it, I had this very vivid memory of being locked in a closet, with my little brother when I was 12 I think. Im glad I remembered it while in counseling, in the presence of my therapist.....

So at my appointment tommorow Im going to talk to her about finding one of my friends, dead on her bed. this last thanksgiving was a year since it happened. I will talk about it further, after I see my therapist tommorow, becuase Im still trying to 'sort out' some of my feelings on this one. its a hard subject for me. at the time of her death, she was the closest person to me. She was quite a bit older than me, and got huge Rxs for methadone, oxycontin, xanax and dillaud. she had 2 doctors, that I knew of. Anyway, I sold for her too, and took her to her appointments, that was really the only time she left the house. she had 2 daughters in town, older than me, but NEVER talked to her unless they wanted money, or pills of course. Anyways, I went to the grocery store for her, pharmacy, you name it, I did it. I was by her side for about 4 years of which she definitely saw me begin to 'circle the drain' I remember her telling me mor e than once that I needed to quit, and that I should......... ok,,,, to be continued

[Romeo]

Hey Amber,

I really enjoy your sense of humour and your outlook on life, but at the same time, I know you're enough like me that you have some "inner demons" that you're gonna have to work through. I wanted to say that I'm happy you're making the progress that you are with your counselor and I wanted to thank you for having the courage to share the things that you're sharing. I know how bitterly painful those things can be, but I also know that we have to work through them or they'll hold us hostage for the rest of our lives.

Many times I feel like things are getting too much for me and I've been learning to center myself, I'm a Christian (not a perfect one, not by any stretch of the imagination) and I use God to help me center myself. He's taught me to get out of my head and my will.....you know how He did that?? I think of my daughter. My dingbat daughter just cracks me up and just thinking of her brings me back into "balance" pretty quickly.

When you feel up to it, I'd like to read the rest of the story about your friend....if you don't feel up to it, I certainly understand.

[amber4.14.11]

so yea, Im sitting here on my laptop, thinking of sharing the story about, lets call her jj, and as its coming out of me, Im remembering a few things I did which is just really horrible.
I never remembered the story like that BEFORE when I told it. I dont know why it changed (not the story,, my feelings)
Its just so fucking wierd.
Anyways, Im glad I decided to do this tonight, becuase now I'll have more information to give my therapist and maybe, just maybe she can help me make some freaking sense out of it.

So here this poor lady is,,, mother of 3, two of the kids live in town, but like I said dont hardly talk to her. one of the daughters lives right NEXT door. becuase she paid her rent, I think just so jj could know her grandkids had a place to live.
so me and jj talked every single day. she had bottles and bottles of my DOC (s) lol
anything and everything she needed, she called me. I had this sense that I 'owed' it to her, she never let me 'get dopesick' and that, in itself, was a fulltime job for her I think....
so its getting close to thanksgiving, and she had been having these 'stomach pains' and she tells me she isnt crapping, like AT ALL.... I tell her thats not too good, i'll get you some of that fiber stuff, maybe that'll help.
that was about 2 wks before turkey day.
Not much was said about it. she had this other friend she talked to once in awhile, named, um jen, that was a RN and she was sopposed to call her. I knew her too of course, she like to take xanax and methadone together, and since she had a good job, she was a good customer...lol
so ONE of jj's doc apt comes up,, about an hour and half away, only theres abut a foot of snow on the ground, very very unusual for our area, and she doesnot want to go. she calls the office and asks if her daughter,,, ME can go get the hardcopies, she does this w/o telling me, then springs in on me when I get rid of the last of what im holding for her, that I gotta go get the Rx, or im SOL for the holiday weekend....
well if your an addict you know damn well me n my 20 month old son were on the road within an hour. and 3 hrs of driving turned out to be 6 or 7 becuase of the weather.
but she made it 'worth my time' lets say....
so that was two days before thanksgiving.
when I get back from that 'run' she rewards my efforts graciously, gives me a talk agian about how im going thru too much, and im young enough to quit. not old like her and a lost cause.
I told her she was crazy, and laughed it off. she then told me she still hadnt crapped, but didnt wana go to the ER till after the holiday.
I asked WHERE she was having dinner, she said she'd just stay home, I said no way, you can come with me to my family. even tho my family knew there was something going on with me, I knew they wouldnt care if I broght some1 along with no family at all to have thanksgiving with.....
so I told her to call me when she was ready around noon or so, and Id see her then....and left
later that night she called just to make sure i was'serious' about my offer,, I was like YES, then we';ll go to the ER on Sat or something, and get you looked at. she told me she loved me, which was kinda wierd, she hadnt said that before, but I told her I loved her too. and went to bed

the next day, I called, and stopped by her place, but she didnt answer. which was not a red flag, becuase she slept ALOT, and didt answer ALOT....she took a lota drugs. so I just figured she was either sleeping, or didnt wana be bothered, or maybe, just maybe her kids picked her up, whic is what I was really hoping for. I knew thats where she WANTED to be.

so I went to thanksgiving at my familys, and didnt think much about it. tried to cal a few more times, and got nothing.

Friday
no answer in the morning on the cell.
went down to the apartment about 2pm, no answer
still no answer on the cell fri nite

Saturday
no answer....now going to voicemail
about 5pm I go down there,,
no answer at the door.

one thing I forgot to say was her house had been broken int o several times, so I installed this $100 a piece 'unpickable' locks in her doors.
so thers no way im getting in there without a drill
I tell myself give it a cuple hours.....and come back with a drill if need-be

swing by her daughters, the next door, and the one across town,,, niether have heard anything..
i get that bad feeling in my guts...
AND im outta dope to boot...

8pm friday
drill thru the front door
jj, is on her bed,,,, cold....eyes open...she has clearly soiled herself. her body is 'frozen'
1st time ever seeing a person whos soul has left there body
I grab 3 bottles of pills, not from her latest RX that I filled the other day, the ones from a year ago I know she has stashed in the closet. i mean, clearly, she wont be needing them. yes Iknow its horrible. I was in full w/ds, and my best friend was dead, and I found her.

Im driving like a maniac the 'backway' to my house. im ultra paranoid, becuase the daughter will know im the one that drilled thru the door.
so I eventually call her,, Im stuttering SOOO Bad, she says, my moms dead, huh???
I explain, and she says, dont worry, nobody has to know you were there
Ill take care of it, I know how much my mom loved you

so I never felt bad about taking those pills from her place until I was in the middle of writing my last post.......thats why I stopped.
good stuff to go over tommorow in therapy Im thinking.
clearly Im done for the night,, but would enjoy your take Romeo
I know jj would be proud of me....it was just the april after this I went on suboxone
and that nurse??? she died on xmas eve that SAME year,,,from taking xanax and methadone..
yea I know right

[Romeo]

Amber, there is NOTHING you just said that I wouldn't have done myself while in active addiction. The part about driving for hours and hours in crappy weather to get your meds.....that's me too. For almost a year, I had to work at one of our sister companies. I'd drive up on Monday, then back on Friday because it was a 4 hour drive. Well, it was a Thursday, I ran myself out of meds so after working all day, I drove 4 hours back to my home town, got my drugs, turned right around and drove 4 hours back to the town where I was working. I got in at like 3am or something and at the time, I didn't really think twice about it. It was a "normal" thing to do. OMGosh, can you believe that, driving 8 hours didn't phase me on bit....as long as I got my drugs!!!

Kinda like you, I always made it a point to become my dealers (I had three of them) favorites. I always had cash with me, I was always willing to help them out whenever necessary, I even taught one of my dealers sons to play guitar for the hell of it. I actually became friends with my dealers. 2 out of 3 of them had been to my house for dinner and whatnot.

Had I stumbled onto the same scene that you did, I would have snatched every frickin' pill in the house before I got the hell out of there. No doubt about it.

Good luck at your counselors tomorrow.

BTW, this is gonna sound a little nutty because we don't really know each other, but I'm proud of you dude. Keep working your recovery.

Oh Yeah, did you really pour concrete?? What is this world coming to?? ..... (sorry, I couldn't resist.....I'm a bit of a smart ass at times. )

One more Oh Yeah......remember, we're not bad people Amber, we're sick people, trying to get better.

[amber4.14.11]

it REALLY is refreshing to hear, from SOMEone that Im not the only one that did crazy shit like that....lol

and I woulda took all of them, but thought to myself, I better let the 'death' be investigated before taking everything, and have murder charges or something.....lol so I took everything I knew they wouldn look for....

and it doesnt sound wierd,,,,,, yea im a smartass too,,, and THANKYOU

and working construction becomes a wonderfull exuse for opiates,,,, I had to say that, couldnt resist.....lol it really was. I pretty much got whatever I wanted.

one of the daughters ordered an autopsy, and it was deemed liver failure...... but I know she overmedicated herself. you know what I mean,,,, we get sssoo close to these people, hear every story they have, and anything else they have to say while counting pills,,,,,lol

anyways, you REALLY get to know them. Im gllad her daughter sorta covered my ass though. she said the coroner took all the pills that were 'out' and we split the rest. and no, I never told her I took any others. she didnt NEED to know that. lol

the day of the funeral, I drove t the place, and sat in the parking lot. snorted two 80s, drove around the block a few times, okay since we're being honest like 10 times. I never made it inside though. like I said before, Im not too touchy, feely, whatever, I didnt want people looking at me funny, didnt want to answer questions. for sure didnt wana see the ppl she didnt even like acting as if they knew her the way I did. I m kinda working thru it my own way now.

its a spooky thing though. I'll never, ever forget it.
hey, maybe thats the way it was 'sopposed' to happen.
I DID stop afterall.......

thanks for your support Romeo
ya wierdo.......just joking......im freaking cracking up......

[finallyachance]

I couldn't quit obsessing on the new script you failed to get. I kept reading and reading trying to find out if you snuck back in eventually to get them and then when I found out the coroner took them I got pissed. Lol. I would think myself to be passed that but I was reading a post about someone flushing their pills down the toilet and it killed me. Does this ever go away in MMT? It’s not really cravings I don’t think, but it is a bit scary for me because what would I do had I been on MMT and in your situation. I still think I would have took them. I was recently helping a friend by staying at hospice with him while he was there as the family couldn’t but did not want to leave him alone as he was high maintenance and they felt the nurses would not have the time to cater to his needs they way he would want. Anyways long story short, I was jealous every time they gave him dilaudid etc….I rose above it each time and got past it, but I wanted it so bad I could taste it sometimes in my mouth as if I actually was the one who got the shot.

[amber4.14.11]

finallyachance,,,,
the funny thing is,,, like a week after this shit went down, the daughter approached me to 'sell' what she found while cleanin out her mom' s place....of course I said I would.
then when I had them in my possesion,,,all I could think about was every time jj told me she gave this daughter $, and paid her rent, and she stole her disablility checks and on and on. and I knew it was true, becuase I had dropped off the money I made from sales to her before, money that was her moms, but the mom told me the daughter needed for her kid, or food or BLAH BLAH BLAH....and here I am, working my Ass off just to stay 'not sick'
so I never paid her for anything she gave me, and she didnt even know about what I took already. when she came to me about the money, I said her mom owed me $500 for driving in the snow ALL day to get the new Rx that the coroner ended up taking, and I listed on and on anything I could come up with, saying basically Im not giving YOU anything.....
and ive been told Im fairly intimidating when I want to be..
so she didnt say much,,, at all.
the OTHER daughter, the one that covered my ass, not telling anyone I was at the house, I gave her a little of what I had, I told her it was like half of my stash, but wasnt even ten percent. I was very nice to her though. and she was more than satisfied with what I gave her. I tried to be fair, as fair as an addict can be......lol

I did go to therapy today......
and I recited this story, pretty much just as it is on this forum......my therapist says,,, I need to remind myself that my addiction was in full control of my actions at this point in my life.
and as opiate addicts, the opiate receptors, and whatever the scientific words are......basically
when your an opiate addict
the receptors that are filled by the opiate affect the SAME ones as the ones that
tell you to BREATHE, EAT and SLEEP....
your brain really does trick you into thinking you WILL DIE if you dont get more dope....
I never really thought about that before, I just remember doing whatever I had to,, to NOT 'be sick'
what a sad existence, I know.
but therapy was good for me today.....
its NEXT week that im dreading a little
get this,,, we are gonna 'work thru' some of my trauma issues.....
she taught me breathing techniques to use next week. im sopposed to practice until next weeks appointment....

I'd be lying if I didnt say im a little scared. okay alot scared.
I trust that she knows what shes doing.......I want to change, and if this is what it takes, well okay. Im gonna try it.
I'll for sure give all the gory details....maybe not ALL of them, maybe the short version.
we''ll see how it goes.
it did make me feel better to talk about what happened with jj today though. to understand it better from the outside looking in.
and Its quite a concidence, that I burned thru the 'stash' I got around thanksgiving ,(3 bottles of #100/10mg methadone, 2 bottles of #100/8mg dilluad then got 1 more of the methadone bottles from the daughter and I think 1 more of the dillaud cuda been two tho)was gone by christmas,,, and was on suboxone by april 14th.....
I did try to quit on my own a few times , but ive already written about that..
see, after jj was outa my life, noboday gave two shits if I was sick or not. I still had some ppl that'd give me 'credit' but not many. january is also when I stole my gmas credit card......hhmmmmm like i said ,, coincidence?????
i think not
im just glad I got out alive........ she didnt.

something else that came up in counseling,,,,, Romeo will love this one, probly finallyachance will too.....
i was working for an old lady, whos hubby died from cancer like two years bfore,
she was actuallly a nurse, was around september of '10
I was building her a sundeck on the back of her house......anyways she used to have me carry heavy boxes in from the garage and shit like that....
this one day she asked me to take out the trash,,, said she had 'gone thru' all her hubbys things and wanted them OUTA the house cuz he;d been dead for like two yrs......
as im carry out the 'trash' I hear the familiar jINGLE of pills in a bottle.
Im like WOA,,,, then settle down,,,oh its probably outdated advil or some shit. she IS a nurse after all....
Im trying to carry the trash past her, without too much 'racket' and not looking EXCITED to take it OUTSIDE.
okay,,, you guys know EXACTLY what I did......
and much tomy surprise,,,,im not shitting you in ANYWAY, SHAPE, or FORM.
there was FIVE freaking SEALED bottles of oxycontin in there.....they wer only 20mg tabs,,, my five dude...and ONE more that was about HALF gone.....
oh yea,,,,, I stood at the trash can and poured a few into my mouth,,,, stashed the rest in the car, and my shirt was soaked with sweat by the time I came back into the house from the pure excitement ALONE.
yep,,, my addiction had a good day, that day.....
I couldnt believe this lady threw out in the trash that much dope. I was like offering to take the garbage out DAILY after that. I was fresh outta shit that day too,, and remembered I almost didnt show up....
I didnt even remember THAT day until therapy today.....
the therapist said I got a lil excited telling her the story...
really??? to an addict,,, I had won the fucking lotto.
of course reliving it got me excited.
but here I am on the laptop talking about it,,, with a strip dissolving in my mouth.
Im not 'on the hunt' or 'off the wagon'
I know all the bad shit that goes with it, I remind myself ALL the time.....
so I think its okay that I got a 'lil' exicited today
wouldnt you???????????
lol

[finallyachance]

She was a nurse? You would think she would be a bit more careful. Lucky for you though, she was not. But I must say......that experience put a whole new swing on the saying "One man's trash is another man's treasure huh? lmfao. I had this friend that I use to score with and believe it or not we would be on our last few tablets and something crazy like that would happen to us and she would say with the clearest of conscience, "Wow Tonya, this is a god thing. Can you believe it Man, there's no other way to explain this Tonya but admit that this has to be a gift from God" I always got a bit of a spooked feeling every time she would make reference to us scoring dope being a gift from God, but for several reasons I could not help but wonder myself. Now this was from a girl who did not believe in God (a self proclaimed agnostic) and when I would confront her with that she would say, "But it's time like this that make me believe maybe there is a God. How else can we explain this?" I would never tell her this and I myself would be a bit shocked myself and wonder too because here goes, (I never tell anyone this because I am a bit ashamed), I use to pray that God would help me find something and not let me be in sick with withdrawals etc..So in all honesty I don't know how else to explain this.
Oh and one other thing, the sound of the pills in the trash bag, one of my biggest triggers. I can hear a bottle in the bottom of someone’s purse etc…and I can almost tell by the sound of the rattle if it’s probable of being pain pills. Etc. I know that is ridiculous but it’s true.

[Romeo]

Amber, I never lucked out like you and found OC's in someone else's garbage. If I'd a found 5 bottles of OC 20's in someone's garbage I'd have screamed so loud that you would have been able to hear me half way across the dang country!!

Try not to dread next weeks counseling session, it's not until next week.....just take care of today dude.

BTW, I got excited listening to your story of finding all those OC's. OC's were my FAVORITE!!! I can certainly understand why you got excited while telling the story.

Finallyachance, I thought I was the only nut who asked God to help bring me drugs!! I did it often when my cocaine was running out....I mean I begged and pleaded for more. I did it when my pain pill stash was running low too, which seemed to be every frickin' day or two!!!

It's kind of interesting how you can listen to pills in a bottle and know what they are. While waiting for my script to be filled at the pharmacy, I could always tell when they were giving me OC's by the sound they made AND I could tell by the weight of the bottle and bag how much they gave me. I always hated the sound of Hydrocodone because they just didn't provide the intense buzz that OC's did. Anyway, it's amazing what we addicts can accomplish when it comes to getting our pills and it's stunning how "tuned in" we get to the sound of our pills or the weight of the bottle, etc.

[amber4.14.11]

finallyachance,
Im like you,,,,I can hear that sound MILES away.......lol.....and you just know from experience after awhile what the GOOD ones sound like right, Romeo???

I went shopping with two friends of mine a few months ago, and told one of my friends to take the FKn pills outta her pocket cuz I didnt want to hear them jingle around while we were shopping. she looked at me like I was nuts.....
then tried to tell me they were just tylenol or some shit, I was like yea,, then WHY are they in your pocket, becuase your worried about my TYLENOL problem???
it didnt bother me she was 'keeping them safe' or what the F ever,,, but c'mon.....

anyway, she did, find another'place' cuz I didnt hear them anymore. it DID drive me nuts though.

and even now, when Im in a store, or in line at the pharmacy, I can hear EVERYONES shit,,, I still look behind the counter, and 'find' all the bottles I'd stuff in a pillowcase and fucking RUN.....
lol
we can all have fantasies I think,,, I dont act on them.....I once ALMOST did....glad I didnt though. I once did have it all planned out, but my 'sidekick' went to jail, got busted with H, and I never did trust anyone else enough. thank god

enough about that....
im doing my 'homework' for therapy next week....cuz Ill be going back to work monday,,, and I know I wont get it done. I'll probably be DOG ASS tired the first few days,,,,Ive been REALLY lazy on this vacation,,,,just playing with my son, thats about it. I did do some laundry and helped grandma move all her furniture around. I think it was good for me to spend all this time with my kiddo though, cuz I was really feeling guilty about working so much a couple weeks ago. now I feel much better, in that department anyway.

I have alot of funny stories like that day I found those pills.
a short one would be, one of my fellow 'nodders' had a hard time staying awake when counting pills to me, he used to 'display' them on th table as he counted,,, a few times he 'nodded out' while counting, I 'cleared ' the table off, putm in my pocket, and was like 'dude,,, I just gave you blank money,, gimie my shit'
and he would begin counting,,, AGIAN.......lol
I knew that guy from the time I was 16 so I guess he 'trusted' me......lol
trust an addict....what a mistake

Oh well no harm done,,, a few times he told me,, Im like $300 short to pay my guy,,, I dunno WHAT happened.... Id say, you probly ATE too many dude....he 'd just shake his head......