Hi,I am Lisa, new here!

Share something about yourself, where you live, and what you like to do. Save your addiction story for that section.
Post Reply
RecoveringButterfly
Average Poster
Average Poster
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Apr 20, 2020 9:29 pm

Hi,I am Lisa, new here!

Post by RecoveringButterfly » Tue Apr 21, 2020 12:06 pm

Hi all! glad to have found this forum and want to introduce myself.

I am Lisa. I am a recovered alcoholic, 21 years without a drink. Sobered up in AA but after 9 years left ... I could only overlook the religiousity and dogma for so long....AA helped me tremendously- saved my life at the time. However I came to realize I am definitely an athiest/agnostic person after trying to seek a higher power in AA, and I felt I needed to grow outside of its confines, so moved on- which I don't regret.

About 4-5 years later I began to get addicted to opiate painkillers- that I started taking for neck and back pain.. I eventually found out I had been walking around with a serious and unrepairable degenerative hip injury for several years, which had been the cause of my pain. I had to stop running, weight training and doing a intense physical activity, which had been an important part of my emotional wellbeing. (I have always battled severe bouts of depression and anxiety ) Without excercise I crashed hard, and opiates filled the void ..I knew right away they were problematic for me as they blunted my chronic depression, and anxiety, but I kept taking them. Sadly I fell into full blown addiction, buying pills on the street and mixing with dangerous people. My bottom was hard- as all of ours are -and for last 2 years I have been building back my wellness and mental health.

I went on a low dose of Suboxone- 3mg which seemed enough for my level of drug use. I have been on it for about a year- and it is working for sure..I haven't abuse d street drugs since, other than a small lapse when I took a Percocet. But I feel that Suboxone may not be an ideal medication for me personally. I posted a question about getting off it in the tapering forum.

I am working on my recovery in several other ways- been in therapy for the 2 years - and doing a few other things including regular visits to my Addiction doctor and started going to agnostic/secular meetings which really helps (way better than traditional AA for me),l. I have relationships with others in recovery.
I have built a good network but I'm still really emotional and feel that I have a long way to go.

I did some therapy work around childhood molestation by my half brother when I first got sober in 98, spoke to him and told my Mom..it went better than most stories I have heard...but.. as much as I forgave him, I still felt really uncomfortable around him at family events, and after my father died and left us with a messy estate to manage together, it became unbearable (of course, around that time my opiate use increased). Recently I realized the relationship was keeping me sick..and the only reason he was in my life was because my mother would have been hurt if I walked away.

FINALLY got courage/support and I told him and my mom that I could no longer have him in my life (about six months ago) and was the best decision I could ever make, though it came with repercussions as all decisions do. There is still some healing to be done in the family. But it has been a pivotal point in my recovery, and I feel so much stronger from making that decision (hope I'm not sharing too much but feel it's relevant with respect to my story).

There are a lot of other stressors as usual in life, I am losing my rent controlled apartment and my rent will double once I receive my notice.. landlords awaiting building permits...and the city I live in has gone bananas with respect to the cost of rent/living.. I am not working right now due to CoVid so that is an issue as well..... however I am ok financially as I am on a disability plan for a few years...not a lot but it pays the essentials and hopefully work will be available again in the fall.(industry closed due to CoVid) I have only been able to work part time for the last several years...due to this whole situation..so money is tight, as I am living alone.

I am continuing with recovery and looking for some peers who are experienced with recovery in Suboxone..thus my presence here ! Wishing everyone good mental health and peace!!!

User avatar
rule62
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 2712
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 10:35 pm
Location: Southwest

Re: Hi,I am Lisa, new here!

Post by rule62 » Wed Apr 22, 2020 11:14 pm

Hi Lisa and welcome to the forum. It's amazing how your story is so similar to mine. AA saved my life so I'll be eternally grateful to them but like you, I quit going after about 4-5 years. Been sober 33 years now.

Getting off the buprenorphine is really up to you and only you. A person has to know keep down if they want off. I've been on a very low dose for 10 years now (1 mg) and am still not ready to get off of it. Hopefully one day my brain will say it's time and I know I can do it. A lot of old members tapered really low and didn't suffer much withdrawal at the end. Knowing that, if and when I do decide to stop I think it won't be so bad at all.

Do you really consider yourself recovered? I still won't use that term for fear of getting too self confident. The last thing I need in my life is to start drinking again. I consider myself in recovery even though it's the last thing on my mind. Maybe I am recovered but am just too scared to say it. All that comes from AA as you know. Guess I kept a few of their sayings in my life. Same with my user name. Do you recognize it?

We are very glad to have you here and please don't be too disappointed in the lack of members to post back to you. This URL is a new one and we lost a lot of our old members when we switched. (I think)
Don't take yourself so damn seriously

User avatar
jennjenn
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3090
Joined: Mon Sep 15, 2014 6:15 pm
Location: Tennessee

Re: Hi,I am Lisa, new here!

Post by jennjenn » Thu Apr 23, 2020 12:24 am

Hello Lisa welcome!

Seems like we’re all under some type of stress that covid-19 has brought our way. I’m so over it, so ready for things to go bk to normal again. I haven’t lost my job or even hit unemployment but so many ppl I care about have.

Congrats on your recovery! I haven’t read your other post you have mentioned concerning a taper question yet, I’m assuming you’re trying to go completely off buprenorphine? Only you know when you’re ready, so if you are then that’s great, but also you have to look at so many things that make you ask yourself if you’re in a place in your life that you can handle this taper. It really is a stressful time for all of us right now with this pandemic so just make sure you aren’t setting yourself up for too much at once. And of course there’s always the possibility that if you were to get overwhelmed and just too much to handle then maybe have a plan that will still give you the opportunity to go bk on this medicine if you needed to. I’m the type of person that has a backup plan for my backup plan lol.

I’m just happy you’re in recovery and doing better working on yourself through therapy and self growth!
Jennifer

RecoveringButterfly
Average Poster
Average Poster
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Apr 20, 2020 9:29 pm

Re: Hi,I am Lisa, new here!

Post by RecoveringButterfly » Fri Apr 24, 2020 6:16 am

Thanks so much for your replies above, much appreciated!!! I'm not sure how to directly reply to a comment above so hopefully you both read this.

Going of Suboxone may or may not be possible yet, I am not sure..am going to seriously discuss with my doctor first, as Jennifer mentioned this is a very stressful time in the world. But good to know that support is here whether I remain on it or not. it really is a tough decision...and I definitely have more work on myself to do.

re the comment above re the word recovered- I have no qualms saying I am a recovered alcoholic- that battle was over years ago and there is no struggle. I look forward to saying same thing about opiates but I suspect this recovery is going to be very very different and possibly take longer to feel confident about -sometimes it feels impossible! I call it recovery 2.0 as it seems to be forcing me to dig a lot deeper than I did before,if that makes any sense.

I say this with great respect and I totally understand why some feel odd about the word "recovered". The "discomfort" about this word does remind me a bit of some AA programming which I'm trying to purge from my brain :-) To me "recovered" is not a bad word, does not reflect arrogance or false security. . There is nothing wrong with confidence, and I think it in some ways 12 steppers unwittingly foster low self esteem through constant ego deflation..akin to religious fundamentalism...when the opposite is necessary for women who are broken down by trauma and addiction. Words do not define us-actions do; they simply are a means to describe our experience.

I look forward to feeling the same way about my addiction to opiates as I do toward alcohol. Recovered
at that point also will be a word I use with gratitude and respect ;-)

Peace and love to you both for your time and words!!!

Post Reply