Martyr Complex (LONG Post)

Did your family contribute to your recovery? Or do you blame your family for your addiction? How does your family feel about methadone? Do they support medication-assisted treatments?
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bunsonbyrner
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Martyr Complex (LONG Post)

Post by bunsonbyrner »

It’s been a while since I was active on here, and to be honest, I’ve posted more about the struggles of my marriage than anything to do with staying clean, the latter of which I’ve been doing fairly well.

Coming back to the former, I have determined—at least in opinion if not in fact—that my wife suffer’s from a martyr complex. It comes and goes, but she pushes herself beyond her limits to try and impress people and then wallows in the bad feelings that follow her failure to achieve the end that she wanted; high praise from one and all. This has become a struggle for me because I haven’t found a way to deal with it except to ignore it or brush it off when she gets prickly toward me. She’s prone to hyperbole in her accusations: “You ALWAYS do this...” “You ALWAYS do that...” when in fact the noted infraction has occurred maybe once or twice in the past.

Most recently, my wife planned and facilitated a group tour to Italy. There were twelve of us in total, including our son, my parents, her dad and sister and five other friends from my wife’s work. On the surface, it seemed like a great idea. My wife and I once lived in Italy, moving there (to the historic center of Florence, no less) just days after our beachside wedding ceremony for a period of ten months. This new adventure was around two weeks long. But due to oversights in my wife’s plan, I had to become conversationally fluent in Italian in seventy two hours. Largely, I succeeded in this. Meanwhile, our son (he’s two and a half going on sixteen) was being demonically rebellious, exhibiting behaviors heretofore unimaginable in his otherwise sweetly obstinate demeanor. He takes after both of us, naturally.

Fast forward a bit. We’re in Venice, exhausted and pinned down by a child who just won’t play ball with us. He’s out of his element, scared and acting out. Everyone else went to wander the fabled city in the extreme heat and we Three hung back at the hotel room. I went out once for food, and a second time that evening to find a gift for my wife. While we were in Florence a day or two before, my dad had taken me out as a special father and son walk and bought me a handmade leather messenger bag as a token of his pride and appreciation of me. It meant a lot. I know my father loves me, but until this moment I wasn’t sure if he entirely liked or understood me. But I knew my wife would be jealous, and of course, she was. To have refused though, would have hurt my father. So since she couldn’t go out herself, I decided to do something a little extravagant. I bought her a hand made Murano glass bracelet and set of earrings from a local artist/designer in the Canareggio district to the tune of 100 euro. Wifey...Was not impressed. She thanked me for the gesture, but the prevailing sentiment was one of disappointment and chastisement for spending that kind of money. Once our son was asleep, she ventured out into the city with her sister to see if she could return it. The vendor refused but she was able to exchange for something she has yet to even show me. There is just no pleasing her. Not for long. We are no longer intimate because I’m terrified of her; terrified of getting brow beaten for doing this or that the wrong way, not conforming to expectations. I consider it an affront to my recovery because it puts me in a compromised emotional state in which the urge to seek some kind of chemical escape is very strong. It’s not an all the time thing, but it’s becoming a most of the time thing.

My apologies for the overly long post. This is something I have needed to articulate and share for several weeks now. I had to get it out before it warped me any further I don’t know what to do, but I fear my marriage is coming to an end. The other night, in full earshot of myself, my wife was listening to a podcast circle chat about ending long term relationships. How do I read that?

Anyway, again, sorry. It’s a family thing, so I put it here. Hope you all are well!

B. Byrner
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SisterMorphine
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Re: Martyr Complex (LONG Post)

Post by SisterMorphine »

wow, i cannot believe your wife took back the gift you got her?!
and here you are not knowing how your dad thinks of you and you finally get to have a memorable heart to heart with him and she just doesn't get it?
i can't even imagine what is going on in her head.

i thought we had talked before about your wife....but it must have been someone with a similar situation since i couldn't find where we had even interacted.

hopefully your son will be out of his terrible two's soon! although i recall a family trip to mt rainier and my 10 year old brother being such a troll that my very reserved mother actually jumped up and down and screamed and swore at him...

are you still taking subs? just wondering if you took them out of the country.
Get your shit together and live your life." Black Snake Moan
csrprof
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Re: Martyr Complex (LONG Post)

Post by csrprof »

I have also wondered how international travel works with a sub script. Broadly ok or hit and miss?
bunsonbyrner
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Re: Martyr Complex (LONG Post)

Post by bunsonbyrner »

Hi guys,

I was just checking back because that complex is rearing it’s ugly head again tonight. It’s at its worst when she’s tired—which is most always—and we’ve discussed it a bit. We’ve had MASSIVE tech breakdowns lately. That two year old—who just turned three this week—destroyed the family TV set with a spray bottle. Add to that, my wife’s Apple Watch cracked and died and will cost $200+ to repair or replace. And now the display is going out on her laptop. I made the mistake of saying desperate times call for desperate measures. She’s content to eke her way through on our seven year old, slow as molasses desktop. True to form, she’s getting protective of our money. She’s got cash stashed away somewhere that she never touches even in emergencies. Our relationship has transforms from romantic to semantic, as she corrects my words at every available opportunity. I can be right about something because she has s rebuttal for everything. It’s exhausting and I have no recourse. If I bring it up with her, I’ll just get excuses and sardonic apologies where she overemphasizes her reaction to what is a simple request for some basic introspection. She doesn’t hear herself when she talks. Her tone is mean, sharp, and sometimes cruel. It scares me because I can see her own disassociative identity disorder mother peeking around the edges of those tired eyes. But, like I said, if I bring it up, she becomes obstinate and starts tossing out absolutes. “Fine, I’m sorry, I’ll never do X again!” And that’s not remotely what I’m asking.

I don’t know. It’s hard having no recourse, no one to talk to, no one to ask. My mom just sweeps it under the rug, “she’s got it tough, just love her through it,” which I try to do, but it’s hard to love someone when they’re being actively unlovable. She complains constantly about what others are doing, and with her family, how that hurts her feelings, or this or that. Her family is fubar. Her parents both play favorites and she’s never been a favorite. I get it. She’s got a lot going on. Bur I dread coming home from work at night because I don’t know how or who she is going to be. She had a rare form of thyroid cancer in 2015 and she milks it to this day like it was brain cancer or something. If having cancer can be equated to falling off a 40ft ladder, she fell off the second or third rung as I see it. I don’t want to discount her experience as it was traumatic for both of us, but I don’t know how long that doctor’s note is supposed to excuse her for, either.

Anyway, that’s enough ranting out it me. Sorry for the diatribe. I’m going well with my meds, and had zero problems taking them to and from Italy. Didn’t come up even once with customs. Unless you’re carrying a 90 day supply, I wouldn’t worry about it. This was the second time I’ve gone to Italy with Zubsolv and didn’t have a problem either time.

Thanks all!


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rule62
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Re: Martyr Complex (LONG Post)

Post by rule62 »

Have you two tried marriage counseling yet? Something is not right with her thinking and it may just be some kind of imbalance in her brain that might be treatable. You won't know unless she is seen by professionals and tested. If she has always been this way then you got what you married into. I just hate to see you throw in the towel without seeking every available avenue for help.

We here are not going to be able to help much with the exception of giving support and lending an ear for you to vent. I'd like to say that all of us feel for you being in such an uncomfortable marriage.

I said we don't offer advice and then I give you some. Take it or leave it. I am no professional and don't mean to step over boundaries. We'll gladly be a sounding board for you if is that is all you want.

Please don't give up on her until you know what is causing the behavior. If that is even possible.
Don't take yourself so damn seriously
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